Trauma

It’s interesting the many ways humans can experience Trauma these days.

Would you believe me if I said I was traumatized by the shower?

Sadly, I have my last roommate to thank for that.

I had gotten into an abusive romantic relationship in the months leading up to Covid-19 shutting down the world. I still remember March 14, 2020 the governor decreed that all restaurants, bars, and clubs close, and I moved out of my abuser’s place on March 17, 2020. I moved into a friend’s place, and I can never thank her enough for helping me escape.

Given that my entire job revolved around driving people to and from bars, my entire income stream disappeared in an hour, and she blessedly let me move in without giving her any money. Her thought process was “Get my friend to safety, we will figure out the money later.”

Prior to moving in with her, I was the girl who showered daily, or at least every other day (Who do I have to impress on my days off?) That habit continued as I moved in. I’d wake up, take a shower, take Gabby out on a walk, then head out to work. Rinse and repeat every day.

I’d been living there for about 3 weeks when she entered my room late one night- like 3 am late, and without knocking no less- and woke me up. After shaking me until I woke up, she sat on the edge of the bed and said, “We have to talk.”

Those are words all abuse survivors hate to hear because every time it means we fucked up doing something we didn’t even realize we were doing and now we are in trouble.

I’ve never heard “We need to talk” and had a good conversation after that.

Hell, I even had a boss that would say “When you get a chance, we need to talk. Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble,” because even she knew what those words usually led to.

So here I am, now wide awake at three am because my roommate walked into my room without knocking and said we need to talk.

She was nervous, as was I, and she took a shakey breath before staring the conversation.

Long story short, I had been living in her spare bedroom for almost 3 weeks now for free. My work had dried up and every penny I made went right back into keeping my job. I was working 16 hour days and lucky if I brought home $50. The problem was that $50 went right back into gas and paying for my car so I could continue to work. I wasn’t buying food or paying rent because I didn’t have any money to give. I couldn’t apply for jobs because everything I was qualified for was closed.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

And the entire time I was taking daily showers.

Her lecture began by explaining that as an indigenous person, she had always been taught and operated her life in such a way that she thought about the seven generations that would come after her.

I nodded along, trying to figure out what this had to do with waking me up at 3am and just waltzing into my room without asking.

She then begins to lecture me about water warriors, water protectors, and how water is a precious resource… (note: I’m not denying this)

And that my daily showers are stealing water from her grandbabies.

She then tells me that I’m no longer allowed daily showers. I get the voice to ask if it’s the water bill she’s worried about and she responds “yes and no” to which I let her know that I can help with the bill when it comes. She then says “No, no, we had an agreement, you would come here and I’d help you get on your feet, this is about how you’re wasting water. You’re not allowed your daily showers. I own this house and that is now my rule.”

Heard loud and clear.

So, due to her “rule” I began taking showers every other day. I knew I was currently living their rent free and I was at her mercy, so I could follow her rules for the time being.

But then my every other day showers began getting lectures as well. And she’d tell me she takes baths once a week, and that’s all you really need as an adult.

So I tried to slow down my showers to every 3 days.

But then it was lectures of how I waste too much water while cleaning. I waste too much water while doing the dishes…

I told a friend all this yesterday for the first time. I’d been carrying this shame with me for almost 4 years and I don’t know why, but I told my friend about it all. Her reaction was “Wow, so everything you did was wrong. You were damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

I wish I could say that the past 3 years living away from her constant nagging helped me heal. Living in my own place without a roommate and the ability to shower whenever I damn well pleased would have made it all better.

Except the first time I showered in my apartment, I learned that “Relaxing hot showers” are impossible to enjoy here.

My hygiene journey is complex.

I grew up in a neglectful house where my mom couldn’t be arsed to step away from her computer long enough to brush my teeth and help me bathe before bedtime, instead at the age of 5 I was simply told to go get ready for bed. I didn’t brush my teeth properly because I didn’t know how. It wasn’t until I was in third or fourth grade that a teacher brought a dentist to class to teach us how to brush our teeth and how often. My mom also didn’t care if I took a bath ever. So as a child I might have taken a bath once a week or once every two weeks. When my mom started noticing my body odor her fix was deodorant, not making sure I was showering. I was bullied through most of my school until I met a girl my freshman year of high school that very kindly suggested I shower more often. She became my best friend because she was so sweet about it and didn’t bully me or make me feel like shit.

I even had a boss in my twenties gift me perfume because my coworkers were complaining about my smell.

I’m sure you can understand this is all very hard to admit to, and it’s hard to mention this lifetime of shame.

So imagine my horror of finally being in a position where I have a solid daily routine- morning shower, time to do my hair and makeup, I’m feeling good about myself, the trauma of friends and bosses telling me I stink is at least ten years behind me, and now I’m being told by the woman who owns my room that I’m only allowed to shower once a week.

And add insult to injury, when I moved into my place on my own, discovering that I get about 2 minutes of warmish water before the water turns frigid.

And now I’m back to showering once a week because I fucking hate my shower.

And trust me, I tried talking to maintenance. They explained that there is one water heater for the entire building and they suggested I simply shower when no one else in the building is showering. I tried to explain that no matter when I shower, the results are the same. It doesn’t matter if I shower at 2am or 2pm, I get an ice cold shower.

So yes, I’m currently traumatized by the shower.

I luxuriate every time I’m allowed to shower somewhere else- if I’m house sitting, at a hotel, etc, I will ALWAYS enjoy a hot shower and even take the time to shave while I’m there. But those times are so few and far between.

So, until I’m able to move to someplace that actually has hot showers, I’m stuck living with the shame of bad hygiene.

And for those of you who want to say “so then take a cold shower” it was -5*F for a week here. If love to watch you volunteer for a cold shower during a polar vortex.